Birth Month Musings

 

 

• My birthday was two weeks ago. I am thirty two, which I have always thought is a classy, intriguing, alluring age to be. Hope my life this year is ditto.
• I got rid of the pesky cyst..the day after my birthday. Mum says its my new birth. Em says with the cyst I must believe I got rid of all accumulated angst of the past years. Now I am a new person. Not that it feels any different!
• I have been surprised with warmth from unexpected quarters and am very grateful for it. I have also been confused with coldness from unexpected quarters. I am grateful for that too. I have had time, and experiences to think about what my paradigm of relationships is.
• I got to meet and spend time with an old friend, from another lifetime in this life. I felt the years melt away. I got in touch with who I once was, and what I was loved for. I was able to access my primal behaviour of trust and confidence, and realized with a shock how much I now am wary..of most people and things!
• I reclaimed a part of my childhood by spending agenda-less time in the house I grew up in. I sat in old familiar nooks, smelled the friendly fragrances. I want to spend some months there, and live with my parents for a bit again. Really do. Maybe a sabbatical next year will be the right thing.
• I experienced unconditional love, and unconditional support at home and at work. I am grateful for where I am today.
• I got over the desire to buy a new flashy phone. Its making me feel smug and superior that I did not allow myself to succumb to materialistic trappings to become happy.:-D
• I rediscovered how much I love April. The flowers, the greens, the parrots and the cuckoos and the bulbuls and the tiny sparrows that play outside my window. I love the smell of april. I love the sounds of april. I love the breezes of april.
• I feel calmer. Relaxed. Even surefooted now, in a tranquil way. Hope this is not complacence.

 

 

A Friend in Need...

It took me a very long time to figure out the meaning of “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. I always used to interpret it as if it were the friend who was always in the need, and the indeed was a sarcastic comment on what one thought of them! So in my mind, it read more like ,” A friend in need? Is a friend indeed!” Of course now I laugh at the simplicity of the actual saying, and the way I totally convoluted it in my mind!

A couple of incidents over the last two weeks have brought back this saying repeatedly to my mind. What if you want to be the friend in need (and am now sure the need is of the other) but can’t be? I realized with some bewilderment and confusion, that many of my friends may not reach out to me in their hour of need. I experienced it thrice over a period of fifteen days (serendipity?) that friends I thought I was close to, shared rollicking good times with, burdened with my deepest darkest secrets are friends who did not reach out to me in their personal crises and celebrations. What does that make me? A friend of the good times? A fair weather friend? A frivolous friend who people have a good time with..and who is good enough only to have a good time with? What kind of a friend am I if you don’t think of me in a tribulation or a celebration and want to include me in your news? What kind of a friend am I if I hear all news when it becomes public…I hear about your move to the city I am in from someone you visited…I hear about a celebration in your immediate family through an impersonal card sent by snail mail…

What does that tell me about myself? That my welcome, and whatever warmth I am able to demonstrate (maybe not as much as I feel, and hence this) is considered customary not genuine? That I am not seen as (or I do not come across as) sturdy enough/ strong enough or sensitive enough to provide care? That I am good just for a few laughs? That I cannot be depended upon? That I am insignificant in the larger scheme for those that I consider my friends?

How does that make me feel? Hurt, abandoned, excluded..and guilty. Guilty for not being able to be there..and not knowing how to; and guilty for evaluating the situation afrom the focal point of my need even when it’s a significant high/low point for my friend. I have tried, but unable to reconcile with the fact that I am not anyone’s friend in need…

So what kind of friend am I ? Am I even one? Maybe I only demand, and consume friendship. What does that make me? I always thought I was warm and giving in relationships, I go the extra mile, I am generous and open, and flexible. I thought I can step in and deal with issues, or help people. But on three different instances, close to each other, I haven’t been on the call list of people that mattered to me.

And what I am ranting for? For reassurance that I am a good friend? For validation that I am as much part of the inner circle of ALL MY friends as they are of mine? Is it even necessary? I know who my 4 am friends are…and for all of my friends, I hope they have one too, even if its not me…